Social convention would probably mean I have to wish you all a happy new year. So that’s what I’ll do. Happy new year all of you non-existant readers on this blog that I still haven’t shared with anyone since last year. It’s 2025 now and I suppose I’ll be writing into the void for a bit longer. You know, let’s dive into that. I’ve been stressing about what I should write today, so I decided to just stop stressing and let the words flow. That means it’s rambling time.
Table Of Content
Achievements
I’m not entirely sure what I’m waiting for. I think there’s a sense that I still haven’t achieved enough to be allowed to share my thoughts, opinions and stories. Even though my healing journey has been in the making for many years and has brought me incredible, beautiful growth in many departments of life, I still feel like I am a fraud. I haven’t completely eradicated and healed my personality disorder, after all. There’s definitely a bit of avoidance at play there. As long as this impossible goal isn’t reached yet, I allow myself to not face the inevitable consequences of sharing something as intimate as these writings.
It’s kinda stupid, right? I do hope to one day maybe help someone else navigate through the experiences of AvPD with my writing, but that’s going to be hard if I keep it to myself for fear of judgement. There’s just this constant fear of not being good enough. The fear that I’m not a good writer, that I’m not academically professional enough to even write about things like mental health and perhaps even still the fear that I’m just not a good person.
A good person
What makes a good person? This has been coming up a lot recently on the AvPD subreddit. There was someone who managed to convince himself that he was such a bad person that someone close to him literally got cancer because of it. His mind managed to warp reality in such a way that he was at fault for something as horrible but usually random/unlucky as cancer. This is incredibly sad.
I feel like AvPD’ers are very obsessed with not just how others perceive them, but also how they themselves perceive their morals and actions. We judge ourselves very harshly and will very quickly say we’re a bad person over a single mishap or action, often caused by our unchosen mental affliction. This is a bad way to think. A “good person” is very hard to define and differs based on who you ask. There’s no single definition and anyone who tells you there is should probably be regarded with scepticism. The important thing for feeling like a good person is that you like yourself.
Post-holiday blues
Do I like myself? Well, some days. Which is quite a win because it used to be a pretty definite “no” not too long ago. It’s sunday right now and I need to go back to work tomorrow. I’ve been off for two weeks and I don’t think I’ve ever had a holiday as peaceful and fulfilling as this one. I didn’t do much but I felt like I was authentically myself for most of the hours of these two weeks. I did a lot of hiking in nature, a lot of reading books, played some videogames, spent quality time with my wife and dog and avoided most busy family gatherings because they simply don’t bring me joy. I’m starting to accept who I am and I’m kinda liking this person.
Today after I woke up I got in my car and drove through the snow to go for a hike. I walked for about an hour and sat on a bench. A man walked by as I was staring out over the water. We greeted each other (something I trained myself to do many years ago) and he asked me if I was okay. I’m not sure why, maybe I looked sad. I told him I was actually feeling great. We had a little talk about hiking and dogs and I felt little to no anxiety. I told him about my dog and he said it’d be nice to meet again on the trail someday. It was a very normal interaction and I got through it without the usual alarm bells in my head driving me nuts and making me shut down. When I got home, I had lunch, meditated for 20 minutes and here I am writing. I did feel some pretty severe frustration at not being able to pick a writing topic, but here I am letting that go and just accepting the ramble.
This all feels quite healthy. Maybe it sounds like a pretty regular day to a neurotypical person, but to me these are conquests and I am proud of them. Even this feeling of pride is quite new and something I only learned to feel last year. I look at myself and I see a good person who strives to do good, who seems to be likable to others as long as he can conquer his inner negativity and who is really just looking for connection and fun in an increasingly confusing world. Why would I be a bad person?
AvPD does not cause cancer
Having AvPD does not make you such a bad person that others interacting with you get cancer. I think the OP of this reddit thread knew this, because he said so. He knew, but still this voice in his mind was so convincing that it caused enough doubt for him to share this story. It’s incredibly sad. I am certain this person is amazing underneath all of his self loathing, but he’s the last person to see it right now. Somehow his mind has gotten so off-track that it is now telling him that he’s causing his loved ones to get cancer with his mere existence.
It’s not a fair thing, is it? How can you ask someone to fight this? Something so loathsome living in your mind could bring anyone down. Fighting it takes incredible strength and most people have lost the will to put up their fists after losing too many a battle. I just want to remind anyone who feels like this that the war isn’t over as long as you’re still here. You can decide to put up your fists again and say “No. Fuck you for even suggesting I gave someone cancer. That is cruel and horrible and I will not believe it because it is objectively bullshit”. You probably still will believe it, but the fact you put up a fight will build you up slightly for the next battle. You’re trying to build a combination of endurance and strength here. You’ll have to block the hits, parry them or go on the offense. It all works, as long as you do something. You cannot just stand there and let this thing beat you up day after day.
You should be mad. Not at yourself but at this disorder for telling you these horrible things. Put your fucking hands up. The fight is not over.
Rambling on
Look man, I totally lost where I was going with all this. I really need to get some structure going this year but I kinda love the rambling now and then. I have a plan for some returning segments to get things a little more structured. Some examples of these would be “storytime” where I go over a story from my life and how it impacted me or “fix your shit” where I try to go over the methods that helped me manage (or fight) the AvPD in great detail.
I just have a hard time actually starting these because it’s easier to just ramble. It takes off some of the pressure and expectations, I suppose. If people don’t expect a message, I can’t mess up. It’s all ridiculous, there’s not even “people” here and still I fear for their judgement. Oh no, what will the zero readers think!?
Alright, I think that’s enough for today. I wrote on the fifth day of the new year and I’m kinda proud of that. Go me!
No Comment! Be the first one.