Two weeks of hell
Oh my, it’s been a while… But I have a sort-of good excuse, so hear me out for a bit. About three weeks ago, my life started crumbling into little pieces of awful. It started small. My dishwasher broke. Then things got worse. We switched internet providers and the new one messed up big. So when my subscription ended with the old one, the new one still wasn’t working. This might not sound like a big problem, but as an internet addict, suddenly living without streaming and videogames and online shopping was quite a hard hit on my day to day routine and relaxation. To make matters worse, my landlord decided to have the entire house repainted. This means there’s a dozen or so people all around the house every single day, being loud and invading every ounce of privacy I had left.
Table Of Content
But that was far from the worst of it. A few days after, my beloved cat got ill. She started throwing up her food and soon after stopped eating alltogether. We rushed her to the vet who told us her liver was failing. Apparently cats need to eat every single day or their liver will start to fail, and ours hadn’t eaten in a while because of her nausea. This started a horrible two week period where me and the wife would be tested to our very limits.
The vet called us everyday but everyday brought nothing but bad news. All she had to do was eat but she just wouldn’t. Everyday we tried keeping up hope but then that call came and we broke down. We couldn’t see her and we couldn’t really distract ourselves because we didn’t have no fucking internet. At least the dishwasher fixed itself magically, so there’s that I guess.
Then last monday the dreaded call came. The vet called and told me that the chances were very slim our little baby would start eating again and she basically told us we would have to prepare to have her put down. She told me I could pick her up to see if she’d eat at home. Not ready to give up, we decided to do just that.
I'm still standing
The first few days where our cat was back home were the worst. She still wouldn’t eat and just hid under our bed. Between the painters all around the house and the cat suddenly back in the house and getting all the attention, our little puppy was barking non-stop and we were pushed to our absolute limits. We had multiple breakdowns, crying out loud because we were convinced our cat was going to die.
Then, when everything seemed at its darkest, we opened up an old cat treat we found in a cabinet and suddenly our little fur baby perked up. She took a bite. And another. And another. She ate two whole packets of treats and we cried tears of joy. Everyday she would eat a little more. Then, a day later, we suddenly noticed a third light blinking on our new modem. The internet was back.
We had made it through. I had made it through. I know this story isn’t very riveting or anything, but to me it was. It was a testament to the mental strength I have built up over the past few years. Because despite everything that happened,dDespite the despair of potentially losing my beloved pet, despite being unable to recharge my social battery, despite the lack of any form of relaxation, I am still standing. I had a few short breakdowns but I never lost control. I kept working out, I kept going to work, I kept doing my chores and most importantly: I kept my mind in check.
Mental muscles
I don’t really believe in “the universe” or “God” putting things in our path deliberately. But I do believe that the random events can create these incredibly hard tests like this. Weeks, months or years that will push you to your absolute limit. Not with some sort of greater goal, just through random chance.
You can let these things break you. And that’s not really a choice sometimes. When my mom died, I had no choice but to break. The sheer force of that was too much for me to bear, and it is for most people. Losing a parent is one of the most horrible things that can happen to a living being. I still grew from it immensely, but it took a while.
In the end, these things are opportunities. They are horrible when you’re in them but they give you a chance to grow. They give you a chance to survive and feel the pride of having held your own through the storm. These are amazing opportunities to grow your mental muscles. To test and expand your strength and to prove to yourself that you have grown.
Because I have grown. There was a time, at the height of the despair where we were certain we were going to lose our cat, where I was strangely at peace with it. Because I knew I would get through it. My mom taught me that by dying. I knew I would be sad and that I would cry and that I would feel horrible for a while and then I’d be okay. I knew that loss is a part of life and a part of love and I knew that I would always choose to do it all over again to feel the love from a pet or a parent. Because I really really love life.
The joy in suffering
I don’t want to sound insensitive, because there is certainly so much suffering in the world that does not give any joy or any opportunity for growth. War, famine and all the horrendous things going on around the globe right now are not healthy opportunities for growth or desirable in any way. When I use the term ‘Suffering’ I am talking about this type of suffering that comes from a decent life filled with love. Suffering that comes from good things. From moving on healthily through life, from losing loved ones, from growth.
Because there is joy to be found in that. It is the joy you feel in your muscles after an intense workout. The fatigue you feel after a good hike. The joy that comes from doing the right thing and, let me quote “The Midnight Gospel/the DTFH” once again, “dealing with reality on reality’s terms”.
The way forward
The worst of it is over now and I feel immense relief and immense pride inside of me. Our cat is eating well, but she’s still quite jaundiced and might not make it. That is fine. We did what we could and we showed her love and support. She’s sleeping next to me right now, purring happily. She’s 14 years old and that’s pretty okay for a cat. We gave her an amazing life and if it is her time, so be it. I’ll miss her so much, but my heart will make room for another cat someday and they too will give me an amazing experience of love.
I made it through the storm and I’m still standing. I have some time to catch my breath and either enjoy the sun to come or brace myself for the next storm. There’s really no way of knowing which one of those is coming, but it’s fine either way. I’ll grow either way.
As for the blog: I’ve started writing down my life story in parts. It’s mostly for me as I doubt anyone else will want to read all of it. But that’s fine. This entire blog is a diary and I need to get a lot of shit off my chest before I can start writing things that will be more helpful to others. Give me a minute and I’ll certainly get to the good stuff.
For now, I’m signing off and enjoy the rest of my evening with a good book. Until next time!
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