How it was
For as long as I can remember, I have always pretty much done whatever other people want from me. Or maybe not even that: I have done what I think they want from me. I never checked. I just assume people expect certain behaviour from me.
Table Of Content
This means I pretty much let everyone walk all over me. At work, in my relationship, in friendships. I do what others want to avoid even the tiniest chance of conflict. Because conflict fucking sucks, right? Or does it?
I'm not a cab driver
A month or so ago, I was at home and got a phonecall from a friend. He was on his way to catch a ferry and he missed his train. He asked me to get in my car, drive for an hour to where he was and then drive for another hour to where he needed to go. And then two hours back. Apparently, this seemed like a decent proposal to him. But it did not to me. I told him that if he wanted a taxi, he should consider getting a taxi.
Now, he was shocked and honestly? So was I. The old me probably would’ve hopped in the car and spent 4 hours playing cab for free. But the old me is fading and the new me can recognize it when he’s being disrespected. I’m not saying this guy did it deliberately. He called up another friend of mine apparently so it wasn’t targeted either. But I still found the question disrespectful and I wasn’t afraid to voice that.
What followed was a very mild conflict. We sent some messages back and forth where I voiced my opinion clearly and didn’t avoid any conflict. Everything was fine and I went to his birthday a week later and we had a great time.
Conflict isn't bad
I’m not talking about armed conflict on a global scale here, so don’t misquote me! But personal conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing that always needs to be avoided. In fact, it can be a very healthy thing to voice your disagreement. It can make you feel powerful and brings a feeling of self-respect that I haven’t felt very often in my life. This single occurence with my friend taught me an important lesson: it’s okay to stand up for myself when I feel disrespected. I tried it at work when a colleague made a jab about me being absent for a day. Nothing bad happened. I tried it on my wife when I felt disrespected by one of her actions. Nothing bad happened.
Actually, I’ve been trying this out for a while with the wife. Before, I always kept silent about the things in the relationship that I wasn’t content with. I figured I’d avoid the conflict and maybe only voiced things when they reached a certain boiling point. This lead to explosive fights with lots of built up emotions. These days, we both try to voice our annoyances and disagreements as soon as possible. This leads to conversations instead of fights and more importantly: it fixes the issue way better. Fights tend to build a sort of resentment in a relationship and it spoils the message. When you can talk about things immediately, or at least not weeks or months later, you can find solutions before you ever reach a point of things getting too emotional.
Self-respect
So, what is the actual lesson? It comes down to building self-respect, which is a slow process. It’s the way you look at yourself, the way you talk to yourself, the way you think. These are ingrained very deeply and you cannot change them overnight, but if you want to lift the heavy fog of AvPD you will have to work on them. It starts by telling yourself that you’re worthy. That your opinion matters just as much as another’s. That you are allowed to stand up for yourself and that people not liking you for that is just as much their problem, if not more, than yours. You may not believe it right away, but keep telling it to yourself. It’s true, you just don’t know it yet.
I kept this up for a long while and I still do so. There are many days I still let people walk all over me, but there are also those glorious days where I don’t. And that shows me that this shit works. You just have to keep being nice to yourself, as much as you can, every single day. It doesn’t matter if you fuck up. Be nice about it, like you would to your kid or your pet or a good friend if they did the same. Give yourself the same basic respect you (hopefully) give to others and you’ll be off to a great start.
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