Over the past three blogs, I shared my three biggest lessons of 2024. My mind is telling me that three is not enough, but I have to actively remind myself that three major breakthroughs in a year is pretty fucking great. I’ve had many years with zero or even minuses. Don’t ask me how I managed that.
Table Of Content
So I want to look forward now. December is halfway through and with the holidays coming there’s a big chance I won’t be blogging much more this year. So let’s dive into this.
No resolutions
Now, let me be clear. These aren’t resolutions. That is too firm and I’m very strict when it comes to being nice to myself. So I’m seeing them more as new year’s intentions. These are things I want to do but I will not be punishing myself in any way if they do not succeed within the year. I’ll just try again in 2026, and again in 2027 if necessary. I feel like little distinctions like this are necessary when you have a cunning mind that will pick up any little excuse to lure you into that blissful but simultaneously miserable avoidance.
So, what are my New Year’s Intentions then? Well, I’ll tell you!
Escaping the rat race
My most important goal for 2025 is to finally break through a very big barrier of mine. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of being self-employed. Right now, I would say that at least 60% of my stress and anxiety comes from work. And I don’t even hate my job. It has taught me a lot in terms of social anxiety but I feel like after two years, the lessons are done. I’m not getting any better by being there and it is eating up my energy to the point I’m too tired to do much when I get home.
Work is interfering with my natural rythm. I am not a morning person and having to force myself into this schedule is slowly wearing me down to the point I feel back to being depressed for the first two hours of the day. After that I’m fine, but this immense struggle to get out of bed is a warning sign that it’s time for an escape plan.
I have plenty of ideas but I’m gonna keep those under wraps, perhaps indefinitely, for privacy reasons and because none of them are real yet. There’s a very big barried I have to break through first. Because I’ve been dreaming of this for close to 20 years, yet I haven’t ever given it a serious try. And that’s because I’m scared as all hell to do so. I’m scared of the responsibility and the hard work and if I’m gonna be real honest: I’m fucking scared of success.
Because in my head there lives this weird idea that I’m not capable of these things. That pretty much everyone can achieve financial and business success, but not me. I believe that there’s just some universal barrier that will hold me back from every achieving certain things. Maybe it’s because I don’t know what my life would be like. Maybe I’m scared of having more freedom because I don’t trust myself yet. There’s many explanations and I’m going to be diving into this more with my therapist next year, because I am going to have to break them down eventually.
Health and diet
I am 32 years old but I eat like a 12 year old with access to a limitless credit card. I order in way too often, I have zero self control when there’s snacks in the house and worst of all: I use food as almost the sole solution to all my emotional turmoil. I even use it when I’m feeling good. Shitty day? Let’s order pizza as a little pity treat. Amazing day? Let’s order pizza to celebrate!
This way, my body always loses. Somehow I’ve managed to not be extremely overweight but I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds. My eating habits are not sustainable for the long term and I’m still young enough to change them and avoid things like obesity and diabetes.
This is going to be incredibly hard because it’s how I’ve lived for a long time now and my wife is in the same boat. We’re both emotional eaters and I have a pretty intense food addiction on top of it. I have learned to associate almost everything I do with a certain snack and my body and mind crave for something pretty much 24/7.
My plan is to use fasting (intermittend and prolonged) and self-made diet plans plus meal prepping. I’ve tried all kinds of things before but fasting has always worked well for me. I’ve done up to 72 hour prolonged fasts and many months of intermittent. Mixed with meal plans that I can make myself, made up of ingredients that I actually like, I feel like I could finally start forming healthy eating habits.
I’ll also try to return to a proper regimen of supplementation and water intake.
Exercise
I guess this is part of health, but for my entire life I’ve had a warped relationship with exercise and sports. My parents were avid haters of anything sports-related and I joined them out of fear of being rejected or made fun of. This stuck in my mind for a long time. A few years back, I started exercising properly in the gym and found out that I actually enjoy it quite a bit, except for the gym part. Being watched while performing these difficult, sweaty, straining actions was peak social anxiety to me. So this year I built a nice little home gym. Nothing fancy; just a bench and some dumbbells and a rowing machine. I’ve made good progress from 0 and I love the way my arms look by now especially. But I hope to have established a proper routine by the end of next year.
I also really want to explore more outdoor sports. I’ve gotten a mountainbike that I aim to fix up and start using soon and I want to get back into hiking. I used to do weekly big hikes and I loved what it did to my mind mostly, but it also kept me healthy. I want to start exploring some sports like running, bouldering and maybe even martial arts. I just want to explore this unknown world and see what appeals to me. Besides keeping me healthy, I feel like this could be a great way to meet new people and practice my social skills.
Sexual healing
I’ve always been a hypersexual being, even from a very young age. I have a unrelenting libido and it’s bothering me. Unfortunately, being socially awkward and getting internet access at an impressionable age, this has manifested itself mostly as a porn addiction and a warped view of sexuality.
I am now in a committed relationship and while our sex life is far from dead, it’s also far from perfect. I have built up a lot of shame and guilt and so has my wife, so we tend to hide our needs and wants and avoid each other sexually while taking care of ourselves in secret. Next year, I plan to start a proper journey of sexual healing together with my wife as well as other partners. We are in an ethically non-monogamous relationship and I want to be able to enjoy it properly.
This too is going to be incredibly hard. It’ll require a terrifying level of intimacy and openness towards my wife and others and it’ll require the slow and steady healing of my pornography addiction and all the warped views of female sexuality that it has caused in my mind. It’ll require the building of real-life sexual confidence pretty much from scratch. But I want it so bad. I want to know what a healthy sex life feels like and I want to explore the limitless joy and love that my ENM relationship allows me properly for the first time.
Writing
Last but not least, I want to be here more. I am really starting to enjoy writing again and I want to keep this newfound joy going. I want to write blogs and journals and ramblings and I want to start on my book. It’ll be bad and I’ll hate it but I’ll learn to just work through that and I’ll learn to maybe finally share my work with others instead of keeping it all a dirty secret. I’ll learn to tap into my creativity more and write without all the fear and self-loathing.
Writing is the only creative outlet I’m even remotely good at and I feel so sad that I’ve given it up for so long, but also incredibly excited to get back into it more. I feel like documenting my journey makes it more meaningful and that eventually sharing it with others might even help someone, somewhere, sometime. It’s nice to dream.
As an important part of writing, I’ll also be reading a lot more next year. I finished about four or five books this year, which is actually pretty nice for me, but someday I wanna get back into my childhood flow where I could read a book a week.
That's enough
I could go on for a while but I feel like I’m just gonna become overly critical. My life is pretty okay as it is and I’ve already created a massively challenging list here. I assume not all of these are going to be succesful by the end of next year, but that’s okay. As I said before, these are intentions and that just means that I will be trying my very best to make them reality. That’s all I can do, really.
I’ll let you all know how it goes, probably around… Well, next year.
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