The avoidance won
Honey, I’m back! It’s only been two months, that’s not too bad right? I really do wish I didn’t leave at such a low note. For two months I’ve been beating myself up trying to get back into writing but I just couldn’t. I had ideas and I had urges but I never could bring myself to actually open up WordPress and type them out.
Table Of Content
It can feel impossible, you know? Like literally impossible to do such a simple thing. All I have to do is click a mouse and slam my fingers on a keyboard for ten minutes and I can feel great about myself, but it still feels ab-so-lutely impossible.
I don’t like my mind when it gets like this.
Winter is tough
Ever since I’ve been working on myself and healing, I have been struggling with a pretty intense winter depression. I never really had this because I was in a all-year-round depression and the anhedonic low-energy tiredness was just my baseline. But now that I’m doing better and I feel pretty good during spring, summer and fall, the dark and cold of winter really hit hard.
After the holidays I had two good weeks left where I was still energized from my two weeks off work and the pleasant social interactions I had but then I suddenly fell in this very deep hole. I had such intense trouble getting out of bed especially. Every morning I was pretty much in tears at the thought of having to stand up and start my workday. I was very worried that I’d fallen back into a full-blown depressive episode, but during the day I’d slowly start to feel better. Last week, we got the first spring day with 10+ degrees celsius and I felt my depression melt in front of my eyes. It literally was night and day.
In a way I think it’s kind of awesome that apparently 10 out of my 12 months are now so good that the other two make me depressed in comparison. It’s better than feeling like shit all the time, really.
Be kind, rewind
First of all, if you haven’t seen Michel Gondry’s “Be kind rewind”, go watch it. It’s brilliant. Its title is also good advice, in a way. When you feel this horrible depressed, sluggish, negative mood, it is extremely important to be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you have mental health problems, that what you’re feeling isn’t going to last forever, that your thoughts are just thoughts and not reality and that you are an amazing human being underneath all these issues you’re plagued with.
It’s pretty basic self-love bullshit, honestly. You’ve heard it a thousand times, but that’s because it works. You have to be kind to yourself. By trying to do this, I managed to still make the best of my depressive months. I got some shit done, kept seeing my friends as much as possible (I ghosted a few though) and only skipped out on one week of work. It might sound shitty to a neurotypical normie, but that’s some good shit right there.
Be kind to yourself and rewind so you can do it again. You have to repeat this over and over and over until you start to believe it. Don’t worry, it’s only going to take about a million repetitions. But hey, you got time.
That’ll be all for today. I will be back, maybe even this very year.
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