It's been a while
Alright, so it’s been 10 days since I’ve written on here. I knew this was gonna happen, but it’s fine! I’m trying not to beat myself up here and instead be proud that it’s only been ten days and I’m here writing again! You have to rephrase these things for yourself. It’s a sunday afternoon and I’m still like 10% high. I took a hit or two in the morning and for some reason it’s just not wearing off. It’s nice though. It’s making me more productive and positive and I can use that. I just did some chores and here I am writing away.
Reality vs Fantasy / Presence vs Future
I just watched a very interesting video by Heidi Priebe on how we tend to view the future. “We” in this case being people who have a tendency to daydream about the future a lot – quite positively most of the time – but who don’t get much done. This is a problem that has been pestering me most of my adult life and this video gives some interesting perspective on it, bringing it back to mostly an issue of living in the present versus the future.
This really resonated with me and it was an emotional watch because of how recognizable these five bulletpoints are. From eternally living in the ideation phase (hopping between way too ambitious goalsets constantly), avoiding the reality of your life as you want it to be (only focussing on the positives of ‘success’) to identifying more with who you desire to be than who you actually are. But most of all point four hit home, about an increasing pain and shame for the life not lived. It’s a subject I already touched on before.
Be here now
When I first slightly got into self-improvement and light spirituality, I was introduced to the basics of buddhism by figures like Ram Dass (Richard Alpert) and people kept quoting the “Be here now” thing in one wording or another. I kinda of laughed it off. How could such a simple concept be the basis of something so complex?
But the further I get on this path of self-realization, the more I start seeing that there is so much truth to it. I keep coming back to this lately, in one way or another. Everything I read, everytime I dive into my mind and start analyzing my issues, everytime I feel either miserable or good… It’s always linked to this one thing. Are you here? Are you now?
You can be here and not now. You can be now and not here. But you will be happiest if you’re both. Be in your current place at the current time. Not in the future, not somewhere else. Be where it’s real. The future is just thoughts, especially the filtered daydream version of the future that most of us tend to live inside our head. It’s not real and it will never be, no matter what you do. Point two of Heidi’s video explains this very well. The present is real, and it is sometimes shitty. Just like the future will be. You can either accept that wholly or continue living in a constant cycle of dreaming and disappointment when faced with inevitable reality.
How to be here when here sucks
I am getting better at presence. I have learned to catch myself drifting off into fantasies of far-fetched futures and unreachable places, at least more often than before. And when I do, I try to ground myself where I am in time and space. And it works, because most of the time I’m in a place where I’m pretty okay.
I have been training with this at work, which is a whole lot harder than it is at home. I’m happy at home. I can stare at my cat for an hour or be more present reading a good book lately. But when I’m at work, bored out of my mind, weary of all possible social interactions to come, I find it hard to be present. And if I try, it doesn’t seem to actually help. It just makes me more bored and more sad about my current reality of having to do an unfulfilling job for shit pay.
It’s that negativity that is the issue. I know that. But I have such a hard time getting rid of it. I should be grateful for living in a country where I can get by on a part-time job and afford a safe roof over my head, food on my table and a car in the driveway. That is a good life in essence. But I want more and I don’t know how to stop doing so yet.
I guess I just don’t have enough control of my mind yet. That is fine. I’m working on it! At least I know what to aim for now. I’m going to stick to practicing in places where I feel happy enough and someday I’ll learn to be truly present and content even in places that bring me more anxiety like work. I truly believe that is possible.
Heading off
Alright, that’ll be all before I start rambling. Next time I think it’s time to dive into some other issues I’ve had in my life besides the whole AvPD anxiety thing I’ve been writing about so far. There’s a few things I have most definitely been avoiding writing about and it’s about time I faced it and just get it over with. So yeah, depending on how well I do with that it might be a while before I write again. Wish me luck.
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