The end is near
No, I’m not talking about the election results… Although that would be a very fitting title as well. Luckily, somewhat, I don’t live in America and even if I did, I am a CIS white dude so I’d be save under the orange man’s tirrany. I do sympathize heavily with the poor people who will be influenced by his hateful rhetoric. The world is burning right now and instead of trying to put out fires, people want to add fuel to them. It’s incredibly painful to watch but I have very little control over it currently. So I try to let it go, as part of my personal healing. The best I can do is be kind to everyone and vote consciously, which I both do.
Table Of Content
When I say “the end is near” I am actually talking about something good. The end of my horrible weeks is near. Last blog I talked about the fun weeks I’ve been having. Our cat got very ill and life was just throwing all these little stressors on top of that to the point I would’ve had a horrible mental breakdown a few years back. But I didn’t.
My cat is dead and that's okay
Last thursday, my cat died. We took her home 2 weeks before that and started an intense rollercoaster ride of hope and despair, alternating between intense lows and exhilerating highs pretty much every other day as she refused to eat and then suddenly would eat whole bowls of food. We showed her lots of love and we saw her live her favorite life: sleeping and eating and cuddling. There was no sign of suffering and she showed us so much love and affection. She enjoyed the food she did have and very much enjoyed her long naps.
But last thursday she didn’t. She looked awful and we knew it wouldn’t be good. She came to us, laid with us for a while even though she was obviously miserable. Then she went up to our dog, who she usually avoids, and laid with her for a minute. Later, she tried going upstairs. I saw that she had trouble so I helped her and she went under the bed…
That night when I went to give her her medicine, she was on her side looking truly awful. I panicked and called the vet but as soon as I picked up the cat, I knew she wouldn’t even make it to the vet. She died in my arms soon after, surrounded by me and my wife showing her nothing but love.
It was incredibly painful and I tear up just thinking back to it, but it was also beautiful. She was decently old at 15 and she got to spend her last weeks at home living her favorite life in peace. She didn’t suffer until the last few hours and went relatively peaceful in a safe, loving space. She seemed at peace.
So now my cat is dead and that’s okay. It’s not good. But it’s okay.
Lessons from grief
In 2019 I lost my mom to breast cancer. She fought it for a few years and eventually lost. It’s something I will dive deeper into at some point, but it taught me a lot about grief. Mostly that there is no way around it. You can try to hide it. You can drink or smoke or fuck or eat or play videogames as much as you want, but those feelings are going to come. You can either face them head on or deal with them in all kinds of fucked up ways for a long time. Your choice.
When my mom died, I cried for weeks. Months maybe. It was necessary. The way she went and all the things we didn’t say to each other… The hurt was incredibly strong and I had to deal with that. So I did.
When my cat died, I tried to remember these lessons. I tried to be as present as possible throughout the first few days especially. I cried a lot. I also enjoyed my life a lot, without guilt. My cat wouldn’t have minded. Letting go of the guilt part of grief is very hard. You have to keep reminding yourself that there is no wrong way to grieve. Well, perhaps there is, but you’re not “doing it wrong” if you’re not feeling like shit 24/7. There’s a lot of joy in life even in those worst days. And you are allowed to enjoy it without shame. The deceased doesn’t care anymore; they’re deceased. It’s just you telling yourself to be more miserable… Again!
Shame doesn’t help anything. You are allowed to feel what you feel. There’ll be moments of intense sorrow as well as moments where you just really want a sandwich. Go make one. Enjoy it. Don’t feel guilty for eating or for not thinking about your grief every single waking second. It’ll be back when it needs to be.
Peace
In the end, I am sort of glad that the stress is over. I really really loved that cat, so much. But it was horrible having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster. It’s over now and she is at peace, so I should be too. And surprisingly to myself, I am. The voice is there, of course, telling me I should’ve done more and that I could’ve saved her life if I had just done X or Y. But I don’t believe it anymore. It’s just background noise these days, even in trying times like these.
There’s some beautiful peace of mind to be found if you can quiet that voice even somewhat. Just the self respect I feel now when I look in the mirror. I see a guy who’s trying his very best despite being hindered by this horrible personality disorder. A guy who gave an older cat a beautiful life and spent a lot of time and money to try and save her life. He didn’t do so, but that’s okay. He acted on his best intentions and made the last few weeks of this animal’s life as pleasant as can be.
I love that guy. There’s still a voice screaming that he’s a dickhead and that he should do better, but I love him regardless. He’s a good guy. And he could be so much better if he quiets down the voice just a little more.
Back on the grind
God I hate “the grind”. Please know that I’m using it ironically. Or sarcastically. I don’t know. One of those. The grind is a horrible thing capitalism has glorified to normalize putting money over everything else in your life. It’s a pitfall I want to avoid when I get better.
Before I get off track and ramble about “the grind” for three paragraphs, let me get back to my point. With my cat gone peacefully, the house repainted, my internet back and my dishwasher soon repaired my life has gone back to relatively quiet and mundane. As much as I proudly held my own over the past weeks, it was hard to have much energy left to focus on writing, healing or growing. Luckily, I will soon be able to do so again and I definitely plan to.
That’s it for today I suppose! I’ll be back asap.
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