Last year was fantastic and I felt like I could really take on the world, but I’m afraid that maybe I overexerted myself and now I’m paying the price. For the past months, I’ve been pretty much disabled by mental and physical fatigue and I feel like I’m stuck in a downward spiral back to where I started many years ago. So yeah, let’s talk about that.
Table Of Content
Paralyzed
It’s frustrating to be back here while I was doing so well just a few short months ago. I had amazing plans for 2025 and with the beautiful momentum I had built up, I was certain I would be able to keep going. But I am just so impossible tired. I wake up and I just feel paralyzed. I have to get up for work but I cannot. I don’t even go on my phone or do anything, I just lay there. I try to fight my mind but it’s impossible to win these days. It always convinces me that I cannot do this, that I do not have the strength to make it through another day. When 8:30 comes and I should be in my car, I force myself out of bed with the sheer terror of potentially losing my job. I try to make myself look presentable and then rush into work. I come in late every day.
Then when I get back I want to start doing good things. I want to start building my path away from the job that’s sucking up my energy, but I am too fucking tired. I stuff my face full of bad food and then either collapse on the couch for a multi-hour nap or collapse behind my computer for a multi-hour binge of either youtube, videogames or pornography. It’s not a good life and I am very much not proud of it.
Deficiency
Every ounce of energy that’s left in me gets used up by work, my wife, my pets and housekeeping. Actually, these things use up more energy than I have, creating a growing deficiency that’s making each consecutive day harder than the last.
And sure, I can take a few weeks off, but there’s a big issue with that: it’s not enough. I had two weeks off with christmas and while those weeks were wonderful, the boost it gave me lasted exactly as long: two weeks. So for that to work I’d have to convince my boss that I need 26 vacation weeks a year. I don’t think he’s going to agree with that anytime soon.
Give me a magic pill
I’m so frustrated that we have to fight this shit all alone. I watch my ADHD wife and I see her struggle, but there’s a difference. Twice a day she gets to take her Ritalin. It doesn’t make her ADHD disappear, but it makes her functional for a few hours. She can get her work done and then go back to “suffering”. I don’t have that option. It’s suffering 24/7.
I’ve been buying a whole bunch of supplements again, probably falling for the false promises of Nootropic people on Reddit once again, but I cannot help myself. I just want something to fix the chemicals in my brain and make me at least feel able to stand up off the couch.
Mind over matter
The good news is my mind is still pretty okay, as long as I have energy. When I feel good for a few hours in the middle of the day, I’m quite functional. I feel socially adept at work, I get things done in the garden and at home and I can work out quite well. It’s just my energy levels are majorly fucked up and I need to get them under control. Because by the time night comes and I’m truly drained, my mind gets affected too and I get these really intense depressive episodes. They usually only last at most thirty minutes, but they’re bad. I just feel entirely hopeless and worthless like I haven’t done the hard work for five years and I’m back at my mental rock bottom. It’s worrying me, a lot. If I don’t find a way out of this energy drain soon, I might be in trouble.
Luckily, I have plans. First of all, I’ll try to gather the courage to talk to my boss and change my schedule to allow a 3 day weekend. That might allow me to recharge better. I’ll also be putting more pressure on my wife to do more around the house. She uses her ADHD as an excuse a lot, but I am mentally ill too and I cannot keep carrying 75% of the workload around the house. Lats but not least, I should really fix my sleep schedule and diet again. Depressive nights make for bad decisions and they create this dangerous snowball effect.
I guess that’s all for now. I’m tired again, but I’m proud that I’ve taken the time to write anyway. Until next time.
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