Do I wish I would’ve written on this blog more consistently over these past months? Sure. But hey, I’m still averaging over once a month and for an avoidant that’s honestly not too bad! I want to give myself some slack and just use this to get back into the writing groove. Nobody’s reading it anyway, I got some time to adjust and get a proper schedule going. I’m just gonna pick it up when I feel like it and write about what feels right at the time.
Table Of Content
So, today I want to start what is supposed to be a little series where I go over my highlights and lessons that I learned on my journey throughout 2024. This has been an absolutely transformative year in terms of my AvPD healing. I feel incredibly proud and happy and I want to try and analyze what went right, instead of what I usually do: analyzing what went wrong (and making some shit up if I can’t find enough things that suck).
My history with dogs
For 31 years, I was a convinced cat person. I scoffe at dog owners and I was honestly pretty damn afraid of dogs. As a tiny little kid, my neighbours had a pretty vile dog that bit me in the hand. I don’t have many livid memories of that time, but I still remember how scary I found that dog. For my entire youth, I only had experience with “bad” dogs. I know that’s not really a thing, as it’s always the owner’s fault, so let’s just call them bad owners. Family and friends all had badly trained dogs that showed either agression or unhibited enthusiasm that scared the hell out of me as a small kid. I remember my uncle getting this ridiculously oversized half-bear half-dog (manbeardog?) and just laughing as it literally threw me on the floor. I hated dogs.
Up until last year, I felt pretty much the same. I hated dogs and their drooly, energetic stupidity. I liked cats because they’re calm and independent. But a few years back, my wife offered up the idea of maybe someday getting a Shiba Inu. Not just because they’re cute as fuck, but also because their behaviour is quite cat-like at times. For years, we only discussed this somewhat and did our research very thoroughly (well, she did and I listened to her synopsis). The more we read, the more it seemed like the perfect fit for us: small size, independent and aloof character, medium energy. Last year, we decided that we would be on the lookout somewhat and if the right dog came along and budget allowed it: we’d at least go have a look.
Puppy love
In february, my wife was dog-shopping online and found a perfect little nest of Shiba puppies. They were raised in a loving home with both parents still there and lots of cats and even a little kid. They were healthy and vaccinated and everything. The price was steep but we could afford it, so we scheduled a videocall. I was still very hesitant by this point as I still felt like dogs were scary and I kind of thought I’d be scared of this little creature roaming around my house, thus forcing me to live in constant fear.
However, I didn’t want this to hold me back. I wanted to face my fears and actually try this instead of just judging it from outside. So we went there and we met the dogs. The mommy dog was the first Shiba I ever petted and then came our little puppy. From the second she saw me, there was love. This tiny little pup, small enough to hold in one hand almost, came up to me and snuggled on my lap straight away. I felt no fear whatsoever. Only love. We paid the people and took our baby home.
My dog isn't scary (and now none of them are)
Over the coming weeks, the puppy drove us absolutely insane. That’s what puppies do, apparently. She was wild and crazy and a whirlwind of energy, nips and poops. There were times I had complete mental breakdowns but the love for this tiny little fluffball made it all worth it.
The funny thing is, this animal that I feared for so long? I never felt a second of fear or anxiety. I laugh these days thinking back on my fear of dogs. These days I come home and randomly flip over my puppy while she playfully growls and nips. I randomly stick my hand in her mouth just because I can and because it’s so funny to me how scared that would’ve made me a year ago. I trust this little animal with my life.
And sure, it’s easy to trust a little Shiba puppy, but it’s not just that. When I went on hikes before, I was afraid of every dog I met. Now, that’s gone. I understand them now, because I have one. I can read their behaviour, their stances, their noises, their play. My little puppy helped me overcome my fear of dogs, and I think that is beautiful.
The joy of facing fears
This year, I’ve been embracing the joy of facing my fears somewhat. Sure, it’s still scary as fuck but there is some real beauty and joy in doing the thing that your head tells you to avoid. It’s an amazing way to break down these anxieties and fears you’ve been building up in your head for years and years without ever questioning them.
I’m definitely not saying everyone should get a dog. Do not ever take that decision lightly. We researched for years and prepared ourselves, our home and even our insurance accordingly. It’s a massive undertaking and there are still days where I get overwhelmed with her energy. I am saying that you should challenge your beliefs, as often as you possibly can manage. Is this thing really as scary as I make it out to be? Do people really hate me as much as I think they do? Am I really ugly? They’re simple questions but we usually don’t ask them to ourselves and if we don’t ask them and don’t challenge them, they manifest as fears and anxieties that can really impact our day to day lifes.
So my dog is also an analogy. Adopt your fears and they won’t be so scary anymore.
To arm your fears like soldiers and slay them
No Comment! Be the first one.