This is a thing now, I guess
Alright, I really need to keep the writing up and I am not sure what to pick for a subject today (you can read about my indecision in this post if you want). There’s a lot of things to write about but I somehow keep going back to these simple rambles because I don’t feel good enough to write proper pieces yet. I guess I need to get back into the writing thing a bit more before I’ll feel confident enough.
Table Of Content
So let’s do that. I’m gonna start this thing right here right now: week reviews. As you can imagine, I’m just gonna be reviewing my week and how shit went down. The good, the bad, the ugly.
Back to group therapy
I’ve actually been having a really good week. Last weekend was really shitty because last week was really shitty. I hadn’t been treating myself well and I had skipped most of my workouts, my weekly hike with a friend and my group therapy was still on summer break. This week, that all changed.
My group therapy started again on tuesday and it was an amazing little reality check once again. After seven weeks of break, I was pretty anxious to get back. I hadn’t really done my homework or even really thought about the schema therapy stuff over those weeks and I felt this intense guilt about it.
There was roadworks in town so I arrived late, feeling shitty about that too. But then the whole mood shifted when I was once again reminded that it’s okay. People were nice. I told them about my guilt and my feelings honestly and everyone understood, some even getting emotional by how much they recognized my story. It was quite beautiful.
That’s the good thing about good group therapy. It really puts you in a situation where you can have these deep conversations with pretty much strangers and really shatter some of the weird, twisted beliefs that you’ve been convincing yourself of. Everytime I open up in group, one of those beliefs gets absolutely demolished and it’s an amazing thing to behold.
It’s not all good. I still have a really hard time speaking up and pretty much only talk when prompted by the therapists. I still have this overwhelming feeling that everyone elses’ input is more valuable than mine and that I’m only allowed to talk when invited to do so. When a woman told about a very deep rooted insecurity, I pretty much knew exactly what to say to make her feel better. But still, my mind convinced me to hold it in and not tell her, instead staying silent while the rest all reassured her (I am the only one in the group with AvPD, the rest has other mental health issues).
While driving back, I was still in a very good headspace. I had talked quite a bit and felt like I had connected pretty well with people regardless of my insecurities. I was healthily reminding myself to be proud of what I achieved and not to feel bad about the things that could’ve done better. That’s been the theme of the week for me: acceptance, respect and love for myself regardless of outcome. It’s easy for a negative mind to focus on the small things you did wrong, but I had done so many things right. I had actually showed up (a big thing for an avoidant!), I had talked, I had shared insights that people actually found useful, I had worked together one on one with another person. That’s all things to be proud of and things I could focus on instead of the things I messed up. It’s a choice, somewhat.
Therapy kush
Coming back from therapy, I felt amazing. I had not only beat my anxiety and went, it was well beyond any expectations. I decided to keep it going and do a workout after dinner. I hopped on my new water rower and did a proper workout, working up an amazing sweat. It’s been a great week again, and I actually got four proper workouts in this week. That’s a new record. I hadn’t even realized that until now. Go me!
So, after the workout I walked the dog and then decided to treat myself to a bit of weed. Now, I’ll dive into my relationship with weed in a big deep dive someday when I gathered that writing confidence we talked about earlier, but let’s just say weed works differently for me. I have a very low tolerance and get an almost psychedelic high on a good weed.
Now, when I just want to watch a movie and mellow out on the weekend I have an HHC vape which works amazing. It doesn’t give me anxiety and it’s easy to dose just right. But when I want to do a full psychedelic deep therapy trip? I need my bong and some flower… So I grabbed the bong for the first time in a long while and filled up, smoking up a bowl and hopping in the shower.
Halfway throughout my shower, the kush started hitting hard. I hadn’t been this high in a long time and suddenly I was overwhelmed with all kinds of heavy feelings and thoughts. I had a small panic attack but remained calm, focusing on being present and analyzing the attack as it happened. This is a really interesting thing to do if you can manage it. I sort of stepped out of my thoughts (as in good meditation) and watched the spiral from the outside, seeing how it just kept going on and on in a helpless little loop. I didn’t give it power, keeping my breath slow and focusing on my bodily sensations until it passed. And it did, really quickly, and it felt peaceful.
I got out of the shower and watched myself in the mirror. This is something I usually hate, but it was different this time. Only once before had I had this experience and that was after taking 300mcg of LSD. That’s how fucking high I was this tuesday. I saw myself realistically. Not the warped image of ugliness I usually see but just myself as I am. How others see me when they walk by on the street. Just a guy. Not beautiful, not ugly. Not smart, not stupid. No labels. Just a guy with potential to do many things. I saw how I could look if I committed and believed in myself, keeping up the workouts and actually deciding on a consistent style in terms of hair and clothing. I saw how I could live if I actually managed to control this chaotic, cruel mind of mine. I saw how I could be, without the usual layer of negativity.
It was beautiful. I threw on my favorite bathrobe and went to my little sanctuary room, sitting down with a laptop to just journal. I used to do this weekly but somehow stopped and I had forgotten how fucking beautiful it is to get high and just write. I fucking love it so much. I just start and I keep going and going. I filled four pages in half an hour of just incoherent rambling that felt so very very important at the time. It wasn’t all that important the next day, but it still had so much beautiful positivity and self-love in it that it brought a tear to my eye when I read it the next day.
I really needed this this week. It gave me a beautiful mood lift and I just feel lighter. I honestly think the therapeutic value of cannabis is majorly underrated. As with any drug, setting intention is very important, just like not avoiding the things the substance wants to show you. I’ll go deeper into this another day as this is already becoming a novel.
Work and progress
Especially after tuesday, I felt lighter overall. Like a small weight had lifted off my mind thanks to the therapy and that beautiful smoke sesh. I was happier and it showed everywhere. I talked without even noticing at work sometimes, just making little jokes. Some didn’t land but I did not obsess over it like I usually do, instead just brushing it off like a normal, healthy mind would probably do.
I’m coming to the point where I cannot deny my progress anymore. I am honestly beating this thing and there are days where I feel almost normal. I am still very much disabled socially, but it’s been getting so much better that I feel normal in comparison. It just happens. There’s still bad weeks but there’s so many good ones where I just get into this vibe. I go to work and actually have fun with my colleagues, go to therapy, workout, work on myself in my free time and go to bed early and I do most of it because I want to, not because I force myself. I honestly didn’t think this was possible.
Walks with friends
On thursday, I met up with a friend. We’ve been doing weekly walks for about six weeks now. We skipped last week and I immediately felt the impact that weekend. This is exactly one of those things where the AvPD tells me to avoid it while it is undoubtedly healthy for me. We eat dinner together and then do an 8km hike, keeping up a nice pace while talking about life, love and everything in between. It’s amazing and doing this at least once a week keeps my social isolation at bay. It’s the isolation that makes me think weird thoughts about how my friends probably hate me. This weekly habit make sure those thoughts don’t get too much to feed on. And it’s healthy too! Actually, if we count the 8km hike as a workout, I got 5 for 5 this week! Go me! Again!
That'll be all
I could probably go on, but I shouldn’t. This is already way too long, but I am glad I wrote it all down. It just reaffirms what an amazing fucking week I’ve had and I feel even more proud now. I am doing great and there’s no denying it.
Even today, I did all kinds of chores: deepcleaning the bedroom and fixing my smarthome problems as well as setting up a new mesh wifi system. I just have this energy and joy today that I lacked so much last weekend. And it is all because I did more this week, not less. Last week I didn’t see anybody, didn’t work out and didn’t go to therapy. That made my weekend lazy and shitty. This week I went to therapy, worked out five times and had lots of social interaction. I should be tired but I’m not.
Yeah. It’s negativity that makes me tired, not activity. Good stuff. I’m gonna go now, hoping to be back real soon! This has been good.
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