I avoided again
I did it again. As much as I’m doing better week by week, there always comes a time where life is just too much and I get this overwhelming need to just sit inside with the curtains closed. Last week was one of those. On monday, I went to work and it was an overwhelmingly chaotic day. I started getting actual physical symptoms in the form of dizziness and a stomachache.
Table Of Content
I went home and felt pretty okay again, but the next dat I felt the familiar knot in my stomach when I needed to get up for work. I started making excuses in my mind to skip out on work and within a few minutes I was texting my boss to tell her I wasn’t coming in. I told myself I just needed two days off, tuesday and wednesday.
Unfortunately, I gave in to the avoidance way too much and stayed home the entire rest of the week. It’s not that I didn’t need it. It felt good and I needed the rest, but I feel guilty regardless. Today was my first day back and as expected, my “normie” co-worker made plenty of jabs about my absence.
It’s times like these where it can feel awfully lonely to have this disorder. There’s just not really a way to explain the feeling inside of me to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The actual need to just be inside for a while and recharge from all this overwhelming life I am forced into all the fucking time.
Managing shame
I’m trying to manage my shame with regards to my skipping of work and it’s actually going pretty okay. I am doing so much for these people already. My pay is shitty and I always do my best to deliver the best work possible. I challenge my social anxiety every single day just by being around my co-workers, let alone interacting with them all the time.
None of my colleagues know the energy drain this takes. And I’m glad they don’t. But for me that shit is hard. It’s like asking someone with arachnophobia to work with spiders everyday. That takes a toll. It’s also really good for me, but sometimes I need a breather.
So I’m trying not to feel bad. I do plenty for the company and all the company has to do is give me a little break sometimes. If I have to lie about having physical illness because mental health apparently isn’t important enough, that’s society’s problem. Not mine.
Group therapy breakthrough
When I called in sick, I gave myself a strict rule: I was allowed to rest but I would not be allowed to skip therapy. Tuesday was group and wednesday was one-on-one, so it was about to be a tough week in this department.
Group therapy is slowly getting easier. I still get a little stress when I’m in the car, but not nearly as much as the first few appointments. One guy officially quit the group, and as much as I liked him as a person, I’m secretly glad he’s gone because he was the type that took over every silence instantly. I’m the type that needs a second to gather my thoughts and make sure I want to speak up. Now I’m left with only six friendly ladies that are a bit more laid back and thus allowing me more chances to speak up.
This week the therapists asked if anyone still had issues speaking up in the group and everyone said they were pretty much fully comfortable. That makes sense because they don’t have AvPD. I swallowed my anxiety and spoke up, admitting to everyone that I’m still scared shitless everytime I decide to speak in the group. It led to a very beautiful talk where everyone told me how much they appreciate me being there and how much they value my input whenever I do decide to talk. It was a beautiful moment that really shattered the negative self-image that is still living in my head. I actually teared up a bit for the first time at how powerful this moment was.
One-on-one therapy
The next day was one-on-one therapy day. I have one of these every four weeks or so because therapists are busy people. We had a good talk about how I’m going to get my life together and how to set realistic goals for my future. I was once again relieved at how down-to-earth and realistic my therapist can be. He told me very straight up that he doesn’t believe I’m currently in a place to make huge steps like starting college again, which was nice. I don’t need unrealistic positivity, I’d much rather hear a harsh truth. Because he is right. I honestly don’t even know if I want to start school again, ever.
I told him about my dreams to start my own business. It’s a hard thing to talk about because it feels shameful. It feels shameful because I don’t believe I can do it and because I feel like even telling people will make them laugh at me for how ridiculous the notion is. Me? Self-employed? Come on… I can barely hold a job.
But that’s nonsense. We talked about the practical steps I can take to get closer to my goals and I am once again a little closer to actually believing in myself. I feel like next year is going to be the year where I finally take that leap.
Workouts
There was another beautiful breakthrough last week! After many sweaty nights, I finally finished the first month of my training program. Now, I did take a lot longer than a month to do it, but that’s fine. The program is made for normal people, not avoidants. I probably took 45 to 60 days but I finished very workout and I feel really damn proud.
The first workout of month two immediately beat me up and I fucking loved it. I’m really starting to finally get the gym people now. There is a lot of joy to be found in pushing your limits and seeing the growth. I already discovered this mentally, but now I’m slowly starting to enjoy the physical journey as well. My body is visibly growing stronger. Some if it is still hiding under some fat, but I’m really getting toned slowly even with the layer of junkfood on top. I feel strong and confident when I look in the mirror and that’s a feeling I have very rarely gotten.
I’m very excited to keep pushing. It’s a three month program that I’ll probably stretch over five to six months, but I’m so damn excited to see the results by next summer. Along with my mental growth through group therapy, next year is going to be fucking amazing.
I still need to write that thing
Last blog I told you all I’d write about a subject I’ve been avoiding. And I’m still avoiding it. Luckily I have literally zero readers so nobody is holding me accountable. I’m just talking into the void. But yeah, I really need to get on that. So far this blog has just been a diary, but I really do want to dive deeper into some issues and start planning out some multi-part series properly.
The most sore subject is the one I’m avoiding right now but also the one that, apart from my AvPD, takes up the most mental space in my mind. It’s the story of infidelity, not from me but from my partner that I’m currently still with. It’s a very painful story that still causes me to boil with rage, sadness and loathing and there’s no way to avoid it indefinitely. I have to face it sometime and writing about it is going to help for sure. But I keep waiting for this perfect moment to write about it where all the stars align and I’ll feel good somehow. That’s just not gonna happen. I’ll never feel good about this, but that’s why it’s important.
So yeah, I’ll try and sit down for that this week. It kinda helps that nobody is gonna read it anyway. Blogging without readers is underrated.
It’s 10pm now and I gotta get ready for bed because I’m a responsible adult. Goodbye void. It’s been nice talking to you again.
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