So, what is this?
Well, this is a blog. You might be confused right now, and I get that. It’s 2024 and I just started a blog? And worst of all: I’m gonna actually sit down and write all the content? No ChatGPT!? I know, I know, it’s kind of insane. The thing is, I’m not doing this to make money or to be the best in the business (you know, the booming business of Avoidant Personality Disorder blogging) or to even get any readers. I’m doing this mostly for myself and for the small potential of maybe helping someone out.
Table Of Content
Because I kind of need a diary. I used to write every single day as a kid, but over the years the shame and guilt and apathy have worked their way into my life and brain and I just kind of stopped. And if I do occassionally write, I tend to either delete it or hide it away somewhere so nobody can read it. My thoughts aren’t worth sharing, right? Right!? Wrong, motherfucker. Here they are, all shared and shit. Deal with it.
I kind of needed this to be somewhat anonymous. I’m sure you can track me down if you’re really obsessed, but I used to have this blog with my name and face plastered all over and I just felt like it was holding me back from writing what I truly feel. And I think that is a very important thing to do. So this blog will be my true, uncensored thoughts. They might not be pretty, or they might be too pretty for your untrained mind. I can’t predict that shit. My thoughts are mostly chaotic and messy, so it can go either way.
What will you write about?
Who are you then?
That’s a pretty good question, not gonna lie. For anonimity, I’ll leave out all the boring details like names and social security numbers. All you have to know is that I’m a guy in his early thirties, at least at the time of writing. Underneath my mental health issues, I tend to be a pretty happy and positive person. I smile a lot, and not even just to hide my misery. I enjoy life whenever I can quiet down my head. I like cars a lot, and hiking. I like being in nature and spending time with my pets and wife (don’t tell her I used that order). I enjoy food, way too much, and sex. I like philosophy and exploring minds, either my own or the general human mind.
In short: I like a lot of things. But there’s more to me than that, unfortunately. Covering all that joy and passion is a thick, dark blanket of what I cannot deny is mental illness. It all started manifesting itself during my high school years, which were plagued with horrible people and bad experiences. I started believing things about myself that were objectively wrong, but felt very right at the time. I started believing that I was weird, unlikable and ugly. I decided that I should be invisible and dedicate my life mostly to not being a burden to others, no matter how that makes me feel personally.
These are obviously unhealthy beliefs and thoughts. I have known that for a long while, but even now, fifteen years down the road, these beliefs still rule my day to day life way too often. I’ll obviously get into my mind breaking as well as my mind healing somewhat in way more detail as the blog progresses.
So what now?
I guess I’ll go write some then? I don’t even know if I’m ever going to share this blog with anyone. Some people might find it through a very specific google search and resonate with it. Or maybe I’ll just be blogging into the void forever. It’s not about exposure for me. I guess we’ll all find out if I’m still doing this in a year’s time, right?
For now, if you’re still here: welcome to my AVPDiary!
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